Swami offers Advice on "Safe Sects"

by Swami Beyondananda

Are enlightened beings meant to have sects? Or can sects actually stunt our spiritual growth, not to mention endanger our health? With the recent concern about Oughtism--a highly contagious disease known to be transmitted through sects--many meta-physicians wonder whether the safest sects would be no sects at all. Swami doesn't agree. "Sects between consenting adults is just fine," he says, "as long as you're not obsessed with it. And it's pretty easy to tell when someone's obsessed. You see these people who go door-to-door proselytizing or sell flowers on the street or throw waste products on those whose sects preference is different from theirs--one look in their eyes will tell you they'll do anything for sects. And let's face it, unbridled sects can lead to unwanted misconceptions, and goodness knows we already have enough of these in the world. So if you're going to engage in sects, I suggest you wear a protective sheath of white light. And no matter how ecstatic you get, keep you eyes open, okay?"

And now, Swami answers your questions on how to have great sects:

Dear Swami:

I'm overweight, and that's how I like it. Except in this society where everyone's so hung up on being thin, fat people are shunned as if gaining weight is contagious or something. Do you know of any group that appreciates us overweight folks?

Ellie Funt
Fondue Lake, Wisconsin

Dear Ellie:

Yes. You'll be happy to know that there is now an organization which actually looks upon overweight people as an elite. The group is called "Immensa," and only those weighing over 300 pounds are allowed to join. Called a "true mass movement" by its founders, Immensa exhorts members to "Be all that you can be--and more." Says the Immensa brochure: "We are put on this planet to grow, yet so few of us reach our fullest potential. Sure, spiritual growth is great but any true gains on the spiritual planes must be reflected on the physical as well. Granted, Gandhi may have been a spiritual heavyweight, but physically? If only he'd gained 20 pounds, he could have been a 97-pound weakling. Such a huge aura, and only a small fraction of it occupied by form. What a pity! At Immensa, we believe in manifest destiny, that a person isn't fully actualized until his entire auric field is filled with physical form." But I should warn you, there is a bit of a dark side to this organization as well. Monthly weigh-ins are held, and those unfortunates who have lost weight must go to "Confection," where they are stuffed with sweets and are to "Go, and thin no more."

Dear Swami:

Call me old-fashioned, but I just hate to wear clothes. The way I figure it, if God had meant for us to wear clothes, then He would have made Christian Dior or Levi Strauss the first man instead of Adam. Needless to say, I've had a hard time finding a religious group that would accept me as the Creator made me. Any ideas?

Abba Riginal
Malibu, California

Dear Abba:

It's certainly astounding how clothes-minded religions can be, isn't it? Well, I've got some good news for you. There's an obscure yet ancient sect which shares your belief, followers of the prophet Nuddha who traveled widely through the East--mostly in the summertime--teaching the principles of Nuddhism. In the beginning, he says, was the "Naked Truth." All was peaceful until people began decorating their bodies with various forms of clothing, armor, ceremonial garb--and the more people had on, the better they felt about themselves. In fact, many anthropologists believe this was the origin of the word "moron." Nuddhists who traveled from village to village had less on than just about anyone else, so their teachings were called "less-ons." And in a world where the "more-ons" have greatly outnumbered the "less-ons," maybe this is a religion whose time has come.

Dear Swami:

I have heard that there is actually a spiritual master who teaches through rock 'n roll. Can this be true?

Justin Credible
Skokie, Illinois

Dear Justin:

What you've heard is correct. His name is Baba Oom Mow Mow and he is responsible for teaching the Golden Rule of Rock 'N Roll--

"Do Wop Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Wop Unto You." He has also published the controversial King James Brown version of the Bible (instead of the traditional "amen" after each verse, the congregation goes "OWWW...HEYYY!") in which it tells us that after one spiritual leader encountered all of the Temptations, God said, "Great. Now you get to meet the Four Tops," and that Smokey was the Greatest Miracle of all. Baba Oom Mow Mow recently gave up actively teaching to devote himself to his longtime dream of putting the Akashic records on CD.

Dear Swami:

I need your advice. I have been told that prayer is an extremely effective way of bringing the things you want into your life--you know, "Ask and ye shall receive" and all that. Well, some people say that you must put all of your requests through on one channel--Catholicism, Buddhism, and so forth. But I have this desire to pray through all different religions. What do you think, Swami? By the way, I should tell you that I'm one of your biggest fans.

Sal Vayshin
Beacon, New York

Dear Sal:

I'm glad to hear you're a big fan, Sal. Big fans can be very helpful, especially in summertime. As for my advice, I'd play the percentages and use them all. It's never a good idea to put all your begs in one ask it.

Copyright, 1989 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved. For concert bookings and reprint information, write

Steve Bhaerman
317 E. Division, Suite 43
Ann Arbor, MI 48104.

All of the above appeared in
O.C. Resources, Page 11
Winter 1989-90.

You can write him and get more of his reprinted articles.
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